what was i thinking?

i played dice with the devil today, and he smiled at: such butterflies flew about in my stomach! hey devil, i said, i barely know you, yet feel i've always known you, it is hard to describe, yet my emotions run deep, i know you, almost like a friend. the devil bared his teeth at me, told me what i would like, then showed me how teeth and perceptions meant little to a shape shifter for quite the next moment, he had turned into a damsel in distress - help me. oh devil, i chided, this is not proper, you know, misusing symbols, archetypes, why a real damsel might actually need help and i would have hardened my heart! hoo ho hoo said santa claus always merry, it's always party time even if you do not deserve it, because god only knows how filthy human nature really is - come into the deeper end, you'll see it soon enough he chided. chided? hey mr. devil, i tried to remain professional and upright, you know after all that is all that matters, i stood tall and proud, like mom told me to, i think you got it all wrong, we must not persist in such airy fairy conversations when life and meaning is at stake! then the damsel blew honey in my eyes, ears, skin, how does this change the situation? and then i saw heaven on earth, peace everywhere, an arch angel played the harp, the piano, giants walking past somberly in grave meditation - bowing to the great song. i began to have my doubts, to have my logic rechecked, my pivot examined - must be the damn dust like honey and though i knew, was aware of the formula, i still walked like a dunce towards the eternal flame - how warm, how cozy, how passionate, all the tears flowing in a river like song, i sobbed then the crescent came, a thorn in the flesh, tried i did to remove that thorn, found no solace when gold, peace, assurance mattered little to a soul seeing, hearing, feeling, sensing what my flesh did not: you're a dunce. then i vomited out honey the devil gave, why, why, why? i lamented to the sun for honey lost, for though it was an illusion, it was comforting to know that the devil knew me well. hideous, awful, repent now - such judgement i heard from the other side, but my mind, heart was all quite made up when the song began to fade, as all things do, then all i saw was a mirror of me, a mirror of someone i tried to live up to, a reflection like my shadow unreal. then fake, lie, delusions spat back at me, hugged me close: don't you love me? i do, i do, i do, i cried with such passion as my heart throbbed with aching desire, don't leave me! then the petals parted, the pupa broke out from a husk, all life must end. said the devil, the creator, a shadow flitted by, a sob, my delusions - my passions, i wrapped them on earth made pottery and found that knights in shining armor could bend steel, not depth. depth, depth cried out before lashing out i loved you. i heard, i stood still, i cried for it too meant much to me, a part of me, my many faces, like a meandering road, crossroads, paths i had to choose then the song settled as dust. the devil beamed, the devil danced, the devil sent more than a damsel, i stood inert. then made my way out, slowly, painfully for it seemed like the devil knew me better than i did myself. you don't want to. i heard the music die before it did, the damsel rot before she did, the lie decomposed before truth hit, i choose faith, idiocy, stupidity, nay, i can't beat you in a challenge of intellect, and you know that. i left the great part of me behind, my pride, my jewel, while the devil did his tap dance and said i'll regret this day. perhaps, perhaps i said begrudginly. but one thing i do know about you: you've always been a liar! a deceiver. and truth is concrete, truth is unchanging, truth is you never, never, never did understand love.