it did not pan out

as you envisioned, not an a-, not even a d: it is worse. random, chaos, no more rules, it is not freedom when it cuts - did mom and dad protect you too much? , bleeds, forgotten, erased, a parachute floating , no where. where is here when i thought i had already reached this a+, promises broken, finger crossed this is how it is when stones shatter, mirages disperses, mirrors crack and they say this is what it means to give hope, give resilience, give sturdiness, increase the pressure little by little: then poof! fairy tales take life, fairies wander out of books, don't always believe me! it hurts, this grand illusion descending, forgotten promises, trust, obedience, rules broken without consequences, and it isn't freedom: just a nightmare of what else is there to come? and a saint boils, a hell fiend gives birth to angel wings, flies across heavens. untouched by brimstone and fire: why? i can answer the how, the why not so much, erased, those rules meant to keep one safe don't work. no float around, just me in deep waters, in a world that sees parents with a knowing eye. nothing changes, just two people passing on, like it really is, drowning, the drowning sea: a greenish color i am not able to puke out.